April Sucked!

The month of April was just plain awful for me, hence no entries for the whole month.

I found I couldn't speak to people, I couldn't compose a poem, I couldn't write a letter, I couldn't paint, I couldn't sketch. I felt like I was a cauldren seething with explosives, but my skin was wrapped too tight to allow escape.

The only relief I could find was in scrubbing cement stairways, all nine floors, all 26 x9 steps, and in riding my bike. Feeling my legs, my muscles, pump and burn, feeling how my heart stays so steady now, that I'm not a smoker of the cigarettes. It's the only time I could stop thinking about my hurt, my losses, my betrayal's, my mother's fraility, my fear, my fear, my fear.

I felt like a ghost, sliding invisibly through the scenery of World. I felt I couldn't affect anything, So what? Why bother? It doesn't matter what I say or do, those I want most desperately to see me clearly can't see anything beyond their own psychosis, so why try?

I kept asking myself, my mother, my god, why should I afford courtesy, kindness, compassion to those who can never reciprocate? How many cheeks am I supposed to have? I am not a saint, my role on Earth is not to fix my family, is it?

No answers came except in my own still small voice. You become what you play, giving negativity attention gives it strength, by inviting it into my own heart and doing nothing to expell it, by choosing instead to suckle it, nuture it, my hate and hurt, that is what I will eventually become, hateful and hurtful.

Knowing this, doesn't make a wit of difference as far as ease goes. I am struggling against a tide of resentment, feelings of neglect, of rejection, of not being wanted, loved, cared about or even considered. Anger, no wait RAGE, at the insult and injuries inflicted by holier than thou types against my beloved Granny, my long suffering mother, my sweet, nutty father (may he rest peacefully). I am swilling absolute disgust over my family history and the few of us who remain on Earth.

I stun myself with the recognition, that under all this pain and anger, is something else, something...new, what is that? is that, what, no wait it can't be, what is that sensation?
Oh my god! It's relief.

You see, I did it. I finally did it, in my heart if not quite in deed. I cut them off. I got a divorce. I reject them back, I realized I am as screwed up as I am, precicely because of joining this circle jerk of a game called my family. This circle jerk of chasing after approval, of never being encouraged, or allowed to feel proud, proud of talent, proud of brains, proud of beauty, skills. No no one must ever think too highly of themselves in my family.

Finally I realize I do have a choice, I may have climbed this genetic ladder of DNA to enter the world, but now that I am here, is it really necesary to cling to the ladder?
No I say it's time to loosen the white knuckle grip on the line I barely know, and jump, full force into the unknown, into the wild and wide landscape of World, and leave the suckling blind mice behind.

Hear me ROAR! I am Me, and I am Free!