A New Poem

Lurk!
In the background (all) of my life
Has caused all sorts of strife
Eros? Ghost? Some kindly mixture
Of both?

At different times
Out of the shadows

He'd step.

Winsome smile
Burning eyes
Clothed in
Different names
Different games
Into my life

He crept.

Again. Again. Again.

A boy
A traveler
A firefighter
A rabble rouser
A muse
A producer
A yabba dabble-er

Heart Breaker
Mind Fucker

Yet!
Still,
My heart he always wins
or won
The moment he did
or done
He'll Be gone

Again. Again. Again.

So now I lay awake
Am I nuts?
To miss this putz?

Or is there something real true
Here...
At stake?

O when? O when? O when?
Again and again.

Again.

Hellloooo Dear Diary!

Had a brain fart that lasted almost two years. Couldn't remember how to open up this blog, couldn't remember my email, couldn't remember my passwords. Been passionately blogging over at wordpress under the name of Hazel, Hazel8500. I took my therapists advice to heart and began delving into my innate sense of advocacy. Spurred on by my great indignation over Canada's Shame... Missing women. Droves of them, I've become quite um, infamous. Sadly there is a new phenomena being documented by myself and thankfully others. Missing Men. My sense tells me these two phenomenon's are related. But all that's contained over there. This place is for dreaming.

I've written in this blog before about being stalked online. Surprise surprise wouldn't you know it? Shouldn't I have known it? My stalker's are a group of former friends, family and associates. I was born in the gutter and well it seems some scum have refused to shake off. Now, I know this isn't new. They've taken their activities off street level and transferred their activities online. Seem's I wrapped myself up so tightly with smoke after my identity was stolen, the only place these losers could reach me was online. And even then they were never quite sure if they had the right gal or not. I was contacted a little while ago by a netizen who uses an arboreal name, has similar interests as me and happend to hang out on some board as I used to shun. Turns out the rabid pack had begun to torment her thinking she was me.

I've also discovered (only recently) that I have many many many more supporters out there in cyberspace than I do enemies. Amidst a feeding frenzy of stalkers and supporters that at times seemed rather stalkish themselves. My bad, it took a while for me to see, I had some really great friends out there. Maybe some did start out as enemies but I know they've had a change of heart. Others were always there for me, yet I shunned them because I was terrified. I couldn't discern the difference between friend and foe.

You see I have three main blogs, this one, Hazel and Lola. Some people loved one,hated the other, or some combo of each. Some of my supporters would attack one blog thinking that blogger was part of my stalking situation. Some of my stalkers or 'frenemy's' even went so far to set up fake blogs, myspace pages and more pretending to be me, just to throw a little more confusion into the soup. In an even stranger twist of fate some folks have mistaken one blog as being the cyber home of my extramarital lover. So you can imagine the chaos going on in my house. Now My husband COULD HAVE nipped that in the bud by explaining to his friends, cronies and family that all these blogs are MINE. No I'm not having an affair. I took MY vows seriously. I know I'm hated. I don't care about that. I know I am loved. And that's something I can sink my teeth into.

I finally had to come clean. We are She!

Now I have something else to say. I've been going through this blog and had a sharp realization. There HAS been someone working diligently behind the scenes to help free me from the hell I've been living in. And I bitch slapped him, HARD.

I recognized this truth by re reading my older entries here at Spider on the Moon. I know who my muse is, and it isn't a she, nor is 'she' a figment of my imagination.

Starman I am sorry. I had no idea. You've saved my life in so many ways I can't even list at the moment. But I will, one day I promise. Thank you.

I'm still not comfortable with all the cloak and dagger shit, but hey it worked didn't it?

And Music Man, I don't know what to say... you're freaky amazing. Wish I knew you in person.

These two have worked in tandem at great personal discomfort and I have no idea what I did to deserve it, but I know I NEEDED it.

So there. Some truth to muse on.

Now I'm off to play with myself :)
And I will enjoy it.
Cheers!

Dream Work

((ripped from 3D journal))

When I was conceived

My parents were on a MDA trip. It was February and they were tripping under a tree.

At one point, while making out my mother hallucinated - my father had become a silhouetted field of stars. In her altered state, Mom realized there was an entire universe within him. She dove in Stars, Stars, everywhere.

...I read that to mom a couple weeks ago.

She called me not so long ago.
"You know," she said, "I think that was the very moment you were conceived."
"I know," I said, " That's why I wrote it."

My mom is a nurse, a therapeutic touch and Reiki 'practitioner'. The proper term is "Master", but I prefer to use the word practitioner.

Mom called as I mentioned already. She wanted to talk about dreams, mine specifically and also my thoughts on the importance of dream work. She's recently begun to have reason to believe that dream life might be as, if not even more important than waking life.

I responded with, something along the lines of; "well as dry is to wet, up is to down, left to right and all that stuff, dreaming is to waking. I don't think it's any more important, I think of these two polar opposites of consciousness as being complimentary. "

"Right," she said, "In balance."

"Well, ideally." (Me)

I'd like to add now, the interaction of the two states, sleeping to waking and back again is what allows us to synthesize, harmonize or balance our experiences and our evaluation of those experiences.

In short, it's the mechanism that allows us to be sane.

Sleep disturbances often appear hand in hand with cognitive distortions. Sleep deprivation can induce states of madness, even death. Being able to sleep restfully, and productively (meaning achieving REM) is crucial to our intellectual, psychological and physical health.

According to some of the brightest minds studying the mechanics of dreams and dreaming there is mounting evidence that being able to dream, is an evolutionary gift. And as such has an active role in our survival as a species and in the survival of the individual.

I tend to agree with that assessment wholeheartedly.

I've begun a journal to jot down my notes, philosophies and dream experiments in response to mom's request, "I wish you would write about your dream works".

Okay Ma, this work is for you.

Gifts

I've been studying dreams since I was two years old. A handful of my dreams have been verified as holding real, waking world information.

I've uncovered a family history beyond the reach of my personal memory. Rich with artists, poets, mathematicians, botanists, chemists, architects, draftsmen and builders. Not many leaders, mainly dreamers, philosophers, and scientists.

Learning about them, has helped me understand myself. The way I think, the way I react, the things that make my heart sing, my blood boil. It's also given me a historic perspective of my own 'gifts'.

Along with sleep disorders, (narcolepsy) seizure disorders (epilepsy) auto immune disorders (name it) There is a strong family history on both sides of 'psychic phenomena'. Studying my family as best as I have been able to so far, I've discovered some amazing stories involving bi location, telepathic communication, and prophetic dreams.

Elevating these natural inborn abilities to super human, extra-ordinary or within the realm of a select few has fortified various forms of genocide the world over. These atrocities cross all boundaries of socio-economic diversity and nationality.

You may notice the disdain I have for terms like psychic, and master and gifts. Let me explain. I do not believe there is anything supernatural about pre-cognition. I think it is a completely natural, part of the human experience and our DNA.

I think it is extremely remarkable that despite the burning times, the dark ages, the crusades etceteras. Despite the persecution of 'psychics' throughout the eons, these abilities continue to manifest among us.

Dreaming, Healing, Inventing, Solving, these are more than words. They are relatives.

Labour

When I was fifteen I had a nightmare, a really bad one. It was two days before my birthday and as was my custom, I was telling my mom about it while she drove me here or there, as was her custom.

In my dream I had been busy cleaning up, I was preparing for a very important visitor. I described the apartment, the layout and the furnishings. I got drowsy in my dream, and laid down on the couch. As I was closing my eyes, I saw something like a bug run past my view. I was suddenly terrified. I got up with a vengeance and hunted it down. It ran behind the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I opened the mirrored cupboard and came face to face with this thing that made me scream.

I noticed Mom's knuckles turn white as I described this horrible clicking mass of something living darting away from me.

What is it?
Mom grilled me for a few seconds. Have you ever seen a roach nest before? A what? Maybe she had told me this awful story already? No? Okay well here it goes...

And she told me about the day she went into labor with me. She had been cleaning up, was in an absolute deliriously happy state because I was about to be born. She got drowsy, and laid down on the couch. At one point she opened her eyes and saw a cockroach. Horrified she hunted it down, blah blah blah, bathroom cabinet voila! Cockroach nest.

The ensuing spraying, combined with her near delivery date, and the freak out session triggered her labor. She went to the hospital and two and a half days or as she delights in reminding me; 36 hours of labor later I arrived.

We never returned to that apartment, mom's horror had been so intense.

Yet, I had described it exactly.