I did it because you made me - Conclusion

By defending our faults, we betray an unsound mind. (The Sutra of Hui Neng)


By calling out our "faults", we befriend an unsound mind and begin a perpetual motion type impulse toward healing and health. - me.

By shedding light on and examining our misconceptions, erroneous beliefs, inept coping systems, dishonesties, we are able to see how small, insignificant they are, even how laughable and funny they are. How absolutely unnessecary and fruitless they are. We can shed them like last years foilage, to make room for new beautiful growth.

This examination of a pattern in my life has yielded some interesting inner conversations.
If I consider what my personal truth was during each of these three incidents, I was still convinced I was unworthy of life, let alone love, or respect, or loyalty. I can understand why I interacted with people who would expect me to carry the burdens of their conscience; It is a throwback to my early developing unconscious belief that it was my duty to take on the products of my loved ones anguish. As a child I could not council, I could not guide, I could not stop or harness the madness of another and calm them like a mystic horse whisperer. All I could do was allow them a breif reprieve from their overwhelming pains and apetites by accepting their abuse onto my body and mind.

I say accept, because I can almost remember the day, almost remember the moment when I finally stopped fighting, kicking, screaming, biting, spitting, rearing, frothing in my bid for freedom. I can remember seeing her eyes and knowing my only two options were death, or acceptance of my role in her life. I accepted being her whipping star.

This was the genesis for this particular pattern in my life. I've come to a point in understanding and acceptance the why's I did what I did in certain circumstances. I understand now how I select my inner circle to reflect the mistruths of my early abusive indoctrination. I understand now all I need do to break free of such destructive impulses is simply to turn my focus away.

I can't begin a dialogue on what my co-creators (two lovers and a friend) were thinking when they allowed they're emotions dictate their actions towards me, someone they all professed at one point or another to love.

All I can do is forgive them, hope they know they are forgiven, and understand that whether or not they see it now or never, I recognize they and I co-created the circumstances of which I write. By taking responsibility for my own involvement in these situations, I also absolve myself of guilt and am able in turn to forgive them.