Taking the reigns

When I talked to mom today, I asked her if she didn't find the whole puppy thing a bit freaky. I mean right down to the very words that were being used.

I was flashed right back to the day I choked to death on the bathroom floor. Across my mom's lap, she was screaming. Meanwhile as my eyes are dimming and I'm focused on her face I'm saying in my head over and over again, you can do this you can do this, begging her with my eyes not to let me die.

Then, I was on the ceiling.

She hadn't made the connection up till then. "Oh my god", she said, "I was even sitting on the floor, in the same position holding little Puppy across my lap, exactly as I held you."

Wow.

When I found myself walking out the door to go to my mother, I was actually walking through the door. I was out of body. In that moment, I went whoosh out and instinctively I was going to my mom. I caught myself as I was going out the door, pulled myself back, together[1]. and yelled into the receiver, Breathe mom breathe! She is not dying BREATHE!

Mom said I grounded her. Well it seemed I grounded us both then. It was amazing to finally collect the reigns of my 'mares instead of being dragged along behind them.



[1]. this phrase takes on a whole new meaning for me.