Aftermath 2

By defending our faults, we betray an unsound mind. (The Sutra of Hui Neng)

There was a time not too long ago, where I felt betrayed by just about everyone.
It's been pointed out to me that I was certainly justified in feeling that way in quite a few area's of life.

My response was, "How is that just? How is it fair that first I get burned by someone I love or trust, and then I have to not only endure the hurt of them, but also the searing pain of anger and in some cases even hatred of my own carrying?"

Seeing emotions are encoded in chemical responses that surge through my body at any given time of the day or month. I'm the one who suffers doubly, first by an other's act and then by my own self as I lay twisting in a self imposed dungeon of despair. How is it fair? This is how cancer gets caused man! How is that fair?

I've been harbouring these thoughts for about a year now, since Granny died and my family showed their claws. The shock and outrage and constant worry I've endured since, has become worse than the actual event.

So, what does that tell me? My anger only benefits those who would harm me, and no one else. Fortunately I don't count a large number of people who would wish to harm me, so my anger basically benefits no one, but it definitely harms me. And by extension those I care about most.

Frikken sucks, no? Add a nice round of guilt to the dairy queen rage-cicle.

I found the poem by Robert Frost today, and smiled at the synchronicity of it's appearance in my hand.

It served as a reminder of a truth I uncovered during the hardest times of my life. I have always found strength and comfort in the memory of choosing to take on this life. I remember insisting to my mother that she was the perfect mother for me, that's why I chose her. I wish she had believed me.

At 14, I had a fever as the song goes, and discovered the answer to my "reason for being" in an explosion of interconnecting triangles that explained to me, the interconnectedness of all relationships between beings and things. Mom found me burning up in the dining room waiving my hands around talking about how everything was alright now, I understood everything now. I hugged and kissed her and told her I forgave her for everything. Then went back to bed.

When the fever broke I could no longer retain what that reason (for being) was!!! Arrrgh! But I trusted my vision of harmonious connections, and the sense that everything was unfolding to a plan or pattern.

Strangely enough, 14 years later I would first have a similar experience while on the Carribean Ocean on my way to the sacred Island of Cozumel. It was like the sky opened up with a beautiful light that infused everything, in a moment I felt connected to every droplet of sea and sky, I imagined I felt the hearts of nearby porpoises frolicking near our wake, I felt myself merge with the sea foam. Then the moment was over, and I had to find a place to puke. I could barely see my head pounded so fiercely. The vision was too much for me, but I've cherished it ever since.

The following month I entered something akin to what they call the dark night of the soul. Talk about symbolism. On my 28th year, in the month I was conceived (Feb) I spent 28 full days, enveloped by memory after memory after memory. It was like I was reviewing all the incidents in my life that had bearing on that particular moment and time. I began to understand the invisible connections between my actions, how they connected to other peoples actions or reactions, I saw in detail things I had missed the first time around. I saw how I had misjudged so many events. In many cases that was a blessing, in others I was humiliated and embarrassed at my ignorance, or crudeness or whatever. I saw even my secret motives had secret motives. I realized I was very complicated.

At the end of the day though, I was proud to say there was more good in my actions, conscious and unconscious than wrong. I was able to find grace in even my most miserable actions, I discovered sometimes gut reactions ARE the right reactions. (Eh, and sometimes not.) And there is virtue in bitch.

This was a really really important thing for me to see about my life as I'd lived it to date. It was the beginning of trust, self trust. I had not known such a thing since I was a kid.

Since my dream of forgotten responsibilities, these topics have been once again on my mind. Specifically the theme of having a choice to fulfil or not to fulfil your own destiny. In my room, I felt no urgency, no overwhelming guilt at all the things I've left undone to date, but I was able to grasp the significance of the dream.

It's my choice.

It's so simple.

I've been evaluating how I've handled my responsibilities, and have found I've been lacking.
This isn't a harsh judgement against myself, it's just an acceptance of my truth.

I recently journaled three pivotal moments in my life where someone I cared about told me I was responsible for their actions. It was an exercise I suppose that prepared me for accepting my own responsibilities to myself, first and foremost.

First, I came to recognise that I used the phrase I did it because of you! With one person in my life. The closest person to me, my husband. He hurt me, really deeply. And after spending a long time trying to point out just exactly how he hurt me (over and over again) all that happened was I got angrier and angrier and he became more and more resistant to seeing my point of view.

I found myself swearing at him, slamming doors, walking out on him. I even asked for a divorce a few times. To his credit, he stuck it out, and is still sticking it out. I was so angry and hurt that i was incapable of seeing how I was making things worse. Achieving the opposite of what I was truly searching for. Peace. Then one day, I realized I was excusing my bad behaviour by blaming his behaviour as being the cause. I realized I was no different or better than the loser husband on Jerry Springer who blames his affairs on the fact his wife is pregnant and no longer attractive to him. You made me do it! Seems to be the catchphrase of someone unable to take responsibility for their own desires and choices regarding those desires. And that, I realised described me. It was the last final barricade preventing me from accepting chemical support to help me cope with depression and anxiety.

My marriage has made a 180 degree turnaround since I began practising compassion for my husband and restraint of my emotions, with the help of my anti-anxiety pills. And he's become 100% more compassionate to me in return.

I honestly think the working out of these associations allowed me to face the responsibility of caring for my self, my inner self the one that was so scared to tell her truth, with the added benefit of allowing myself to work out some well deserved forgiveness for myself and others.