My terrible deed

So I've sat on it for a week and a day.
My terrible deed.
And I think I'm okay with it, what I've done.

I received an email from my second cousin, a short little pretence of an email in which both my name and the name of my mother were misspelled. Which wouldn't be newsworthy at all, except that I hate her.

What?!" You say, "Hate? Hate is a very strong word."

Yes it is, but so is denial, and the longer I deny how I really feel, the longer it will take for me to get over it and let go of my feelings of anger, hurt and disbelief.

I'm not going to regale you with the tales of woe she and her family has brought me, just trust me when I say "Ouch, that side of the family knows how to use words to draw blood from a stone."

So I returned her email, as my terrible deed, I told her in no uncertain terms, if she must have any further dealings with the L. family, to please contact my mother directly, and to never contact me again, for any reason.

Why so blunt?

Because, every time I deal with that side of the family, from a simple holiday visit, to a long distance conversations, to the palliative care of my Granny and the fallout of her subsequent death, I get sick. I can't sleep (for days) I shake all the time, and sweat cold bullets.
My email was short and to the point because I didn't have the luxury of being diplomatic, I was gripped by anxiety and this time, I recognized the symptoms and their trigger.

They always thought of me as so quiet, and sweet. I wasn't ever quiet, not in my whole life, around them? I was just scared, until the day they attacked my mother in sight of my dying grandmother and I showed them my fangs. I realized then it didn't matter who I was, how I behaved, what I did for them or to them, I couldn't change a thing.

There was a reason why my mother and her nutty sister are the way they are. There is a reason why my cousin is sick with an undiagnosable autoimmune disease, there is a reason my Granny moved 2000 miles away from her homestead and never returned. There is a reason my cousin's mother drinks.

So I drew a line and asked my cousin to please not cross it.

True to form, she crossed it.
She emailed me back with some childish wine about what she thought I wanted, ending with a martyred "I'm so sorry, I'll never contact you again". I could practically hear her hurt.

I read her words, the words of a simple minded person maybe even a bit of a child. I felt a bit bad for a moment, but then caught myself.

Didn't I ask her to not contact me again, for any reason?
Yes.
Was I clear?
Yes
Do I have any reason to be kind patient or compassionate with her?
No I don't.
Do I have any reason for not wanting to hear from any single member of my mothers family ever again?
Absofuckingtootley.


I got very angry, but remembering the wise words of a friend, remembered the best letter is the letter never sent.

ARGGGG! I was in torment. I wanted to make that woman feel so stupid, I wanted to grind her nose in her poor grammar and lack of maturity. I wanted to tell her I'd sue her for harassment if she just couldn't resist contacting me again, for any reason. And then of course I'd make my letter so irresistible, so tempting that she'd just have to contact me again to satisfy her own wounded soul.

But I didn't.

I picked a fight with my husband, and went to bed. I wrestled all night long with myself.
When I woke up I had decided, I would do none of the above, I would let her have the last word, because that's all she really wanted, and I would block her from my email program. I then shuffled into the living room, and apologized to my husband for the night before.

That's that, and I'm fine with it.