Black Knights, Shining Lights

The past four years have been hard, sometimes terrible.
Marriage to Ge has not been easy, I'm sure he'd say the same of me.

The worst of it has been as follows:

His expectations of me. Feels like he expects me to amputate parts of my spirit, my being, even my form, in order to fit the mold he carries around in his head about what his "wife should be". This makes me feel like he doesn't fully value me as a complete human being, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

I've complained and yelled, and pleaded and reasoned and stomped and slammed doors and all sorts of "defiant, defensive, and angry" behaviour.

He's denied, avoided, ridiculed, humiliated, and hurt me.

Adjectives he's used to describe me;

Uppity
Rebellious
Perverted
Crazy

So I asked him for a divorce. Three times. Wouldn't you?


Sometime after we received the envelope from Ladonna. We got a call from Pater. Actually Ge got a call from Pater, on his cell phone.
I knew what was up just from that signal...Don't want to have to accidentally deal with Banana! Well back atcha Pater!

Within Minutes I hear Ge yelling at his father that he's not helping the situation and good bye.

I didn't dare ask him what I already knew.

Later Ge and I went for a couple cocktails at our local Oyster Bar. And he began to come clean.

He told me that a little while ago, he had called his mother for someone to talk to about the difficulties he's facing in our marriage. But, that she told him it wasn't a good time for her and could she call him back? The next thing he knows, his father is on the phone yelling at him, telling him something about patterns, and he'd better blah blah blah (that's about what Ge said, really) and then Ge said what I heard him say and hung up.

Ge looked terribly sad.

I asked him, I said, "Has your mom called you back yet?" Barely raising his eyes, he said,"No."

I was furious.
But I kept it so cool.

I was furious at his mother.
I saw HER, their pattern, the family dynamic pattern, the one that has fucked up my poor honey man his whole life.

He loves her so much, he looks to HER to staunch his pain, and each time she just stands helplessly aside and lets Pater take the lead, scratch that, encourages Pater to take the lead, which in my opinion is even worse. Pater's lead is usually a one-two type, if you know what I mean.

He can't fully release the feelings of guilt he had as a boy, for not being good enough, not for Pater, and not for Ladonna. But the real truth is not that HE wasn't good enough for them, THEY weren't good enough for HIM.

His father is a wealthy, successful, business man so explain to me why none of his children have gone on to higher education? How come out of every one in that family Ge is the only one in a working relationship? Yes it may be tumultuous and passionate but it is violence free, and full of love for each other. How is it that his family DARE treat me so lowly, I am the only one who's been able to live with their son, brother, uncle for any extended period of time, ever!

It hit me then and there, we both have spent more time living with each other, than either of us ever spent living with actual family members. Both of us were shuffled from one place to a next. No one wanting to take responsibility for our care, our emotional well being, our physical health our education NOTHING! Ge ended up on the streets as a kid, and I shacked up with a loser because that loser made me feel better than my own family did.

That's when I knew it. I knew it for sure.

I am the only one for him.
I am perfect for him.
He is the only one for me.
He is perfect for me.
IF
We can only get over ourselves
and our families history.

I've been listening to a lot of Johnny Cash these past few months, ever since a tenant left a cassette behind.

Ring of fire, what can I say? It was written by June Carter for Johnny. It might be the best song ever written. It rips at my heart and soul. I love it, I love her, I love him. I can NOT wait to see the movie.

Johnny Cash has had a hand in saving my marriage.
That song, I walk the line, that song, I swear he wrote it just for me. At least just for people just like me. I thought to myself I am just like Johnny, I AM the Woman in Black!

"Because you're mine, I walk the line."

What better reason to pull it back together, to suffer the excruciating pain of being, of living in an unjust world, in facing reality and taking a stand for life, and love. To find the stamina, the will to do so for me, was simply because the precious heart of someone else has my name written on it.

My marriage IS what Inanna intended. As her body of literature encourages, my marriage embraces the entirety of reality, the syzygies or opposites of being.

There are black times its true, but the sun always comes up, and if we are lucky, brightly shining stars like johnny will light up our darkest nights, encouraging us to hold on, wait a little longer, till morning breaks.