At doggy school today, I had a dissacociative moment, well a few of them. It is terribly embarrassing, but my anti anxiety medicine helped make it tolerable so it didn’t get worse. I had to resort to pinching my legs in order to bring myself back to earth a few times. My husband has become increasingly aware of these subtle changes in me that indicate disassociation, and so that was also helpful, I didn’t feel alone and so there was no panic to contend with, no need to flee.
On our way back from class, we were talking about it, he wanted to know what triggered it. I couldn’t even begin to guess. I’ve been researching common triggers but haven’t really identified many of my own yet. I told him I tried to pull myself out of it by pinching myself. It seemed to work temporarily but I know I kept going back into a fugue[1] kind of state.
When we came home I called my mom, I was still feeling a little funny but fully present.
After we had talked for a while, I described the experience. I told her I couldn’t think of what the trigger was. She said she knew, and asked me to tell her again what I was doing today “training my dog.” “Again” she said, “training my dog.” I replied. She asked me again, at this point I’m getting a bit restless, “Now” she said, “Just say the one word.” I began to say “I don’t know what you’re talking about! Oh wait, yes I do! Training!”
“Exactly.” came my mom’s reply.
She reminded me of what I was like when I first moved home and any one tried to use the word Training in regards to me. I would freak out, no lie. “Don’t you use that word with me I am not an animal!” I remembered what L used to say, she’d say she was modifying my behavior if anyone wondered about her methods. Modifying my behavior was code for training me, training was code for controlling and so I rejected any attempts by any one to “train” my person ever again.
Suddenly a lot more made sense, for instance why I lock myself in the bathroom and cry when I have to be stern with my dog. I feel so guilty, despite the fact I know what I am teaching him is for his own good so he can have a better quality of life. I know I would be remiss knowing what I know if I didn’t try to help this dog attain a healthy attitude. It’s not that I can’t discipline him or be stern with him. I can and I am lightening fast when it warrants it. For instance Bogey tried to attack a male un neutered dog in our group. He was slickity quick and slipped out of his harness and lunged at the dog. Gee was like “Damn woman!” I was in motion so fast I crossed ½ a room scooped him up and was out the door in nano seconds before any damage happened. I locked him in the jeep for a cool down, without batting an eye. Once the danger was over and he was safely in the truck I began to fuss inside. It isn’t that I can’t react, or can’t react appropriately, I can and I do. Its afterwards that stings.
The dog trainer today gave Bogey such a stern talking to it was amazing to see his reaction. He practically fell all over himself to please her. She began telling the group that mummy (me) feels bad for Bogey, but Bogey’s okay see? OFF! OFF! OFF! (at Bogey backing into him, making him back down and off.) She is an amazing trainer, and a bonus is she knows Bogey very well, she was his second “mummy” as his foster mother after his rescue.
Also, today was all about me handling Bogey. So that was scary for me, under a big spot light. Bogey is Gee’s dog. If Gee is in the room, I don’t exist. And that’s become very apparent at class. I saw the genesis of this early on with Bogey, but really didn’t know how to assert my concerns or address them without sounding like a big sucky baby. How do you say to your husband you feel he is teaching our dog he is more important than you without seeming jealous of the dog?
Well maybe it can be done, but I couldn’t. I addressed it as best I could and then just held my peace hoping going to class might help rectify it.
So when the trainer leaned over to us with a knowing look on her face towards the closing of the class and said, “Bogey needs to know she (pointing at me) is more important.” I wanted to cry, if it weren’t for the pills, I think I would have.
I felt just like I do in those dreams where I’m going through my day and at some point, usually on the bus or at school, I look down and notice for the first time that I am naked.
[1] Fugue state- an alternate state of consciousness, very little impacts you so memory doesn’t get laid down. Feels safe, cozy warm. Often the comfortable sensation is too difficult to escape and you appear to others as “spacey” or “out of it”.
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