A small triumph over ptsd for me.

My day started out normally enough. I had a doctors appointment to renew my anti-anxiety medication. My husband drove me to the doctors office. I didn't wait long before a woman, not my doctor entered the room. She explained she was an intern nurse working with my doctor and had some questions for me regarding my progress.

I wasn't prepared to dig into my history, I had just woken up and had a long day ahead of me.
She asked me a few questions and before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out, feeling like a fool.

She was very kind, understanding and patient. She explained that I wasn't taking "happy" pills and so I shouldn't be embarrassed or confused if I still find myself crying at the drop of a hat when confronted by my abuse. She also assured me they were working perfectly for me at the current dosage, the proof being I'm having no serious side effects at all. In fact my insomnia, a possible side effect of the drug, has significantly improved since taking them. So that is good news. My doctor explained the pain I'm going through as growing pains. She said I can't get through this without feeling it.

They want me to go back to WAVAW, gave it a thoroughly glowing review. They also want me to try to find a good therapist. They wrote down all the places I've been to trying to get help over the last month, and year. If in two weeks I still havn't been able to get some therapy they are going to try and get me in somewhere for free.

I tearfully waived my prescription at them and thanked them for doing more than just writing me a script. I told them how being prone to disacociation makes it very hard for me to get the follow up care I need. They said they understood that, that is normal for someone in my position and that they will continue to help me through this.

I will try to believe them. Same words, different faces, mabey this time they will actually keep their word.

When I got home, as anticipated I received a revelation in regards to my dream dog's appearance in my dream room of forgotten responsibilities.

This is the first time I have described a reclamation of one of my lost memories as a revelation.
Until now, all my reclamations have been amidst terrible flash backs. I have however come to some new places in my life, and believe the reason I woke up with relief after the warning dream, was a signal to myself from my self, that I was finally able to handle the truth, or at least this truth.

What caused me such painful, repetitious flash backs was not my biography, was not just the terrifying or sickening content of my memories, what caused the most pain was my resistance to them. The harder I fought them off, the more traumatic the experience.
This time, I was able to let them come. This time I was able to talk myself through it. This time, I was able to rely on myself to keep me safe.

Earlier today, I was so weak from the experience I couldn't even string two sentences together. The fact I am writing now, and not curled up in a corner sweating, shaking and puking is frikken miraculous.