More Fallout

For the past week or two, I've been noticing little signs indicating my littlest one is in need.
The morning after I put granny's amythest necklace on, it went missing. Gee found it when he rolled over to kiss me hello and slipped his hands under my pillow. I had somehow managed to unscrew the clasp, and neatly tuck the necklace under my pillow without waking up in the middle of the night.

I know it looks like nothing to an outsider. But I know my little one. She likes to place "wishes" under her pillow for good dreams, (the hope of astral projection) and began doing so since before she could talk. I only realized after the fact I did not have a precognitive dream about granny's necklace. In fact it was my little one who directed me (in dream) to the necklaces hiding place. I even suspect it was her who hid it in the chalice, for safe keeping in the first place. (She does things like that) For years I blamed her little tricks on the "jumbies" or trickster spirits that took things like car keys, or one white sock and then return them after you've been nearly driven out of your mind looking for them.

By reading her clues, I knew she was missing her granny, and hoping to join her in heaven for a visit. So I began speaking to her from time to time during the day. I do it in my head and heart.

I do an inner smile meditation, its where you capture that effervescent pleasurable feeling that goes hand in hand with the act of smiling. Then you 'place' that feeling inside. You look inside your body with your inner eye and smile on every organ, every blood vessel, every cell and infuse each with that feeling.

In order to "talk" to my little one I do this same thing, only I add words. I began telling her I know she misses her granny. That no one loves her the way granny did, and how sad she must be. I wanted her to know that I love her, mabey not like granny did, but every bit as much as granny did, and mabey even more. I also promised her that unlike granny and her, she and I can never be seperated. Wherever she goes, there I am and vice versa. I wanted her to know if she feels lonely or unloved that I'm here for her. And I invited her to confide in me.

Today, after my doctors appointment I felt it coming. I got home, I got into bed. I let it come.
My revelation was powerful. She confided in me with one image, And a rush of knowledge.

She showed me Rick's face. Not the older version of Rick that I remembered. She showed me Rick as he appeared when he'd meet us little girls in the park by our house on Madison Avenue. I remembered calling him Rick, with the funny toes. And it all became clear.

My sobbs wracked me to the core. And then I was able to talk to her as an adult, as a parent.

Until this conversation, I thought Rick was some poor schmo pulled into L.'s life. By talking to my sister a long long time ago, I knew he was NOT her "boyfriend" as L told everyone at the time. I knew he was 36 years old living in my 15 year old sister's bedroom against her will. I knew L was trying to get my sister pregnant by Rick. She succeeded, my sister snuck out, went to a clinic, got an abortion and went on the pill. L. found her pills and kicked her out onto the street.

Rick entered my room shortly after that, nearly comotose with shock.

But the memory my little one released shattered what I thought I knew, and showed me exactly what I was missing.

Rick didn't "just" enter our lives when my sister turned 15. He'd been there all along.
He was there before I moved in with L. He was there at every home we lived in. I had known Rick not for just a few months before his murder. I had known him since I was five years old.

Rick was my john. We (my sisters and I) were HIS girls.

I explained to my little one that it wasn't her fault Rick died. He didn't get burned to death because of her, and she needs to believe me. I told her that sometimes people die by the life they choose to live. Rick's actions just caught up to him, and it had nothing to do with her.

But he said he would send help!

I explained Rick wasn't her friend. That he had lied to her, he wasn't coming back to rescue her, he wasn't going to call the police for us, he wasn't going to save us. Until this moment, I did not know this either. I too believed him when he said he'd come back.

He crawled into her bedroom, he somehow got loose from the downstairs dungeon. It wasn't hard, after a while she learned how to get out too. My little lock picker!

He told her what he needed to in order to live for one more day.

She snuck him out of the farm house in pre-dawn hours. She shared her secret hiding spot with him (a spot I still don't know of) and managed to get him a ride into town by her school bus driver. He got fourteen more days of life because of my little one.
She's a hero.

They hunted him down. They killed him. Then they told her if she ever try to get help again, they'll do the same.

I told her L lied. I told her she had any number of reasons to want him dead, the most likely had to do with money, the money she was probably expecting to get for selling the baby he begot on my sister.

I told her there's no one left to hurt anyone who offers to help us now. I asked if she can now please stop hiding my identification and provincial care card so I can get us proper help? I think I felt a warm snuggle against my tummy. For a brief second, I felt her relax into me.

Then I sent her kisses.