Catchup

Reading over my last few entry's before I jumped ship to begin a new blog was eerie.
It was like I was getting prepared for what I ended up going through over the last four months. Once again, I am comforted by that age old feeling of mine, that everything unfolds as it should.

The major themes:
Loss
Betrayal
Death
Spiritual Currency
Healing
abundance

I blogged a small bit about my last pregnancy, the one that landed me in the hospital fighting for my life. But havn't really delved into the transformation I experienced through this last, final loss.

As in all my previous pregnancies, I was very much aware of the moment of conception, and began a lovely communication between the process taking place in my womb and sadly my right fallopian tube. I am no longer skeptical of the information exchanges I've had with my unborn. Stringing my experiences of pregnancy together I am struck by the continuency of the spiritual qualities of my children. And am fully cogniscent of a truth that is so personal I don't expect any one else to understand. My five babies, never born into this world, lived the life they were meant to. Each one infused my life with something new, and special. My first, gave me strength to break my bonds with an abusive environment. My second prompted me into a self analysis and reflection that forced me to recognise the toxic residues left over from my own childhood. The third, forced me to face my fears of parenthood, the fears of such a high responsibility. My last showed me how much I was loved and supported by the people in my life, the ones I have jealously guarded and preserved rather than the ones I have unceramoniously cut loose. In addition, this last loss showed me exactly what kind of mother I need to be.

In analysing my final loss, I realized I am both a motherless child, and a childless mother. In that moment, I knew that my earliest desires to adopt, and my deep seated fear of my own self and that which I create had come face to face, in a pivotal moment of truth, I recognised WHY I am in love with the man I am in love with, why he and I are so perfect together, how his personality and mine meet in certain fundamental places. He was a rescued child, I had to rescue myself. From both perspectives, we will make a fabulous parenting team for children who need to be rescued, and who need to learn how to rescue themselves.

We are currently discussing adoption. And for the first time in my life, I feel a child is coming to me, to us.

I have always had an uncanny ability to know when a child is to be born. I proved it yet again during this last visit back east with our best man and his wife, I also was able to confirm my intuition about an estranged friend prior to going east. And now, I can feel one coming towards me.

Life is good.